you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
