drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
