You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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