I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
whose parrot is this?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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