do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
