who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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