I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
