When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
