the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
