Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
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I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
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Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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