remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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