i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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