Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
