U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
