Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
