Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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