I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
