I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
