i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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