Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
