No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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