I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
