He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
i've created a new STD.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
