Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
