youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
