i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
