it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
