Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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