Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
