I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
