i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
