My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
