So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
