so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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