apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
