So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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