homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She told me I should be a condom model.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i black out too much to be "responsible"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
