She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
