He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
