If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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