You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
