did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
