WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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