apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
