i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
