I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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