I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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