he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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