Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
