DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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