I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
