Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
