she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
