"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
