I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
